Growing up?
I was painfully shy. I hid behind hair, mumbled, spoke quickly and way too quietly. I interacted with friends and peers through shared activities like video games and sports. With my close friends I could be quite chatty, happily geeking out. With others, awkward. With strangers, quietly terrified.

I tried forcing myself to speak with people. Sometimes I even succeeded. Most of the time, I just felt tired, exhausted and disenchanted.

Into my late teens, I felt like fear shackled me. Waiting staff at restaurants, parties, talking to strangers, speaking publicly — even just thinking about these things brought a wave of fear that swallowed me. Talking to someone I found attractive was terrifying.

Others around me seemed to be doing it so naturally. These people didn’t look dangerous. So what the hell was going on? I tried forcing myself to talk to people. The experience was usually so exhausting and, when the experience was less than perfect, I picked apart the results with regret, shame and frustration. My thoughts were a chaotic script of ‘What if’, ‘I should have’, and ‘If only’

I was tired of watching life go by, missing out on experiences I longed for. I was tired of fighting myself, returning back to the start after each small gain. 

When I looked around, I knew how I wanted to act. It seemed so simple.